Disappearing

It seems taking breaks from everyone and everything online has become something of a habit for me. Yet again I feel the need to get away for a while to gather my thoughts. I think. I’m not sure what I need to do to be honest but I’ll get to that later in this post. This post is meant for only a handful of people who I think might actually care to know what’s going on in my head. Not sure if I’ll let them know of this yet either though.

I’ve been having some self esteem and confidence issues lately like I’m sure everyone does every now and then. I’ve always thought of myself as merely a part of the mass, no one special, just another guy living his life doing whatever with his life. I have felt this way as long as I remember and it doesn’t bother me. It’s just how things are. Lately it has begun to bug me a little though for some reason and the more I think of it the more I feel like it matters.

I’m having a hard time enjoying things that I used to. I guess I lack the feeling of accomplishment on things that I do. I just want to get things over with and move on to the next thing. I’m getting frustrated at repetition and the repetition not being over fast enough. I’ve never been the most patient of people but lately I just seem to want to rush everything through. Lately this way of thinking has pretty much taken over how I see things happening online, on Twitch and Twitter.

The following stuff concerns pretty much my "online life" only. Some of it applies to real life as well but this post is only ment for the people I know online.

I have never been good in social situations. I’m still amazed how I ever got to know anyone over on Twitch being as socially awkward as I am. Over the year and a half I’ve gotten to know quite a few people on the community, most of which I am no longer in touch with. I was struggling against my nature opening my mouth in every single cast I’ve gone to in hopes of finding people to get to know and hang out with. It started feeling natural eventually but now I’m finding myself going to less and less casts, barely talking anywhere and not enjoying most of what I see. I no longer have the will or energy to go and try to spark up conversations with people as it usually never seemed to feed anything back to me apart from a few exceptions. Oddly enough as I stopped initiating conversations with people the conversations seemed to stop all together. That only leaves me thinking I’m not really that interesting of a person for anyone to take genuine interest in and actually try to get to know. This is probably true.

Most of the Twitch community has begun to seem sort of fake to me, filled with people ass kissing one another, saying how they love everyone and how amazing everyone is. There is a lot of spamming of hearts and signs of affection around chat rooms with no actual content to pretty much anyone who dares to initiate such acts from anyone who happens to recognize the initiators name. It’s like a little group of huggers who only let you in if you hug each and every one of them. Frankly it all makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I’m only comfortable around a few selected people right now. Even in the company of those however I manage to feel excluded and like I don’t belong. On some instances this is probably self caused. Still it feels like there is a lot more chatting going on among these people between each other than with me involved, if that makes any sense. I’m not saying I need or even want to be a part of all these conversations but it just feels like I’m included in less than everyone else is. Maybe it’s all just in my head. I don’t know.

Trying to improve my output and interaction with people is the one and only reason I started casting and still is. I never really got to a point where casting felt natural but I did think it was good for my interaction skills. That’s why the only thing I would really like to accomplish is to have someone to talk to on each of my casts. I don’t care if it’s just one person. This is a goal that just doesn’t seem to happen most of the time which again leaves me thinking I’m just not interesting enough.

There are a few people out there who I do still talk with and who keep saying nice thing to me for god knows what reason.  Still, once you have your mind set to one way of thinking it’s really hard to shake it. So I apologize if this post offends any of you. You know who you are.

I took a short break before this and it didn’t really help. I thought I should just get back online and do what I do as if I hadn't even been gone and I’d feel better over time. I was wrong.

This post is probably a horrible read. It isn’t meant to be a good one, just a collection of my scattered thoughts I felt like I had to put out somewhere. At the same time I feel like an asshole for writing this long ass post just about myself only pretty much whining all the way through. This is a first and probably last venting post for me. Nothing I wrote down is aimed at anyone in particular. Just the way I see things right now.

So I’m disappearing for a while. Maybe for a week or a month. Who knows.  I’ll get back online when I feel better about myself, get too tired of my loneliness or at the very least find out what the fuck is wrong with me. Laters.